Barry Plodder and The Evil Of Evilness
Barry Plodder's fourth year at Swinemole's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was proving to be just as annoying as his first two years. The moment he got off of the Knight Bus his two best friends had accosted him with their problems.
"Barry! He's supposed to succumb to my feminine charms," whined Hemorroidione Grunger whose intelligence was overcoming her social life.
"Barry! I just want to be you. You're my hero," whined Wan Measley. His hair was so red it had started catching fire and he had to extinguish it with his rat.
Barry ignored them both and strode over to the wall where a poster of the prisoner who had escaped from Arsekaban Prison, Serious Bulk was hanging. Barry scoffed. All you could see in the poster was just one large black stripe. He scratched his head and wondered why they even bothered. Serious Bulk was too big to miss.
On the train later, they shared a compartment with a man whose luggage claimed him to be Wolf W(ere).Wolf. Hermorroidione was clever enough to put the name with the face even though the man's face was hidden. Barry suspected the man was up to no good in spite of his cheerful name, but when the augmenter came to scare the pajamas off of them, Wolf W(ere).Wolf had proved his friendliness by barking loudly at the horrible creature, sending it scurrying down the drainpipe in the corner of the compartment where it proceeded to augment the pipes giving the train much better drainage.
When they arrived at Swinemole's they were very happy to see that their old friend Dufus Haggard had been appointed Professor of Care Of Magical Creatures even though he was so stupid he had forgotten his way to his hut and was now walking aimlessly in the Himalayas accepting tea and crumpets from the Yeti.
Their old nemesis Drano Maleboy had taunted them about the augmenter, but they had successfully ignored him even though Drano's minions Crabs and Boil had upturned an entire pot of pumpkin juice on their heads and decorated their sticky hair with leaves from the Thumping Thornbush.
They stood entranced by the welcoming speech given by the Headmaster Anus Dumbersore and wondered why Professor Rawnerva McDonaldsfries was playing Scotland the Brave with her dessert spoons while tiny little Professor Bilious Shortwick kept shrinking and falling off of his chair and Professor Sherona (Tipsey) Spout was scraping honeydew moss off of the caretaker Target Filth's cat Chuck Norris.
They dared not look into the dour and dark challenging eyes of Professor Servus A Snack who was stirring a cauldron full of trail mix and plotting the downfall of everyone who had ever said a mean thing to him in his entire life.
When Barry went tiredly up to bed, he was accosted by Seville Shorttop who told him that You-Know-Who had been seen lurking in the dormitory hissing and chasing the toads.
"You-Know-Who?," asked Barry.
"Yes," replied Seville.
"Who?"
"You Know."
"Who."
"Yes."
"OH! LORD VOLTBOLTSDESTRUCTIONEVILVILLIANREDEYESSNAKEYPRIG OTHERWISE KNOWN AS TOM?" shouted Barry at the top of his lungs.
"Yeah," Seville said and then had covered his ears and fainted, so Barry moved on.
Sure enough when he reached his dormitory, LORD VOLTBOLTSDESTRUCTIONEVILVILLIANREDEYESSNAKEYPRIG OTHERWISE KNOWN AS TOM was lurking in a dark corner chuckling evilly.
"HA!," cackled LORD VOLTBOLTSDESTRUCTIONEVILVILLIANREDEYESSNAKEYPRIG OTHERWISE KNOWN AS TOM, "I will send my minion Luscious Maleboy after you...to...er...to sneer at you and make you feel inferior..make you show us your underwear....uh...be subdued by our sarcasm. I'll..I'll show you that filthy er...halfbloods must DIE!" He sniffed, put his wand down and said. "You know, I don't think Luscious Maleboy's hair is quite natural, what do you think?" "Nope. It's a peroxide job," said Barry defending himself with his scar and becoming a hero once again as LORD VOLTBOLTSDESTRUCTIONEVILVILLIANREDEYESSNAKEYPRIG OTHERWISE KNOWN AS TOM was forced to cower and shrink into a mote of dust and then blow away.
"All in a day's work," declared Barry and went to sleep peacefully knowing that the wizarding world was safe once more from the evil machinations of the Mortality Munchers.
Written by Phineas from HPFF.
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I can't stop laughing right now!
